Questions to get to know someone can begin with an ordinary detail: a good meal, a place they like or something they are learning. The 40 below come in three groups. The light ones work with anyone, the work-safe ones suit a colleague or a new team, and the deeper ones are for when you both have time. Ask one, listen and share your own answer.
Choose for the situation
| Where you are talking | A question to start with | A useful follow-up |
|---|---|---|
| Meeting a new friend | What does a great weekend look like to you? | Is there somewhere nearby you like to go? |
| At work | How did you end up in the work you do now? | What surprised you about it? |
| On a date | What is the last thing you tried for the first time? | Would you try it again? |
| Joining a group | Which topic could you happily teach someone? | How did you get interested in it? |
| Talking with a relative | What food reminds you of home? | Who used to make it? |
A group introduction needs less personal detail than a private conversation with someone you trust. Keep the deeper group for a one-to-one talk.
Start with something easy to answer
Choose a question about daily life, food, interests or a place. Someone can answer briefly or tell you more. If you already know a little about the person, use it: “You mentioned learning to cook. What have you tried making?” Let their answer supply the next question. Don’t switch topics just to get through the list.
Follow the detail they choose
Listen for a person, event or decision they mention. Try “How did that begin?” or “What did you enjoy about it?” and leave room for an answer you didn’t expect.
In the conversations Huang and colleagues studied, people who asked more follow-up questions were rated as more likable. Take turns, though. Nobody enjoys being interviewed when they expected a chat.
Make passing easy
Say that either person can skip a question. Accept a short answer without asking for a reason. If someone changes the subject, follow the change. Sharing something yourself is an invitation, not a request for an equally personal answer.
At work, keep to the first two groups unless a colleague brings up something personal first. Questions about family plans, health, religion or money don’t belong in a team introduction. For a group warm-up, the icebreaker questions are shorter still.
Questions for a particular person
When you know who you are talking to, a narrower list fits better: questions to ask a new friend, questions to ask coworkers or first date questions. The 36-question exercise is a fixed sequence first used to build closeness between pairs of strangers in a laboratory study.
If a relative begins telling a story you would like to keep, ask permission before recording. The family interview guide helps you follow a memory without turning the conversation into a questionnaire.