The 36 questions to fall in love come from a 1997 study by the psychologist Arthur Aron and colleagues. Pairs of strangers who worked through the three sets reported feeling closer to each other than pairs who made small talk. The study measured closeness after about 45 minutes; it did not test whether the questions make people fall in love.
The list above uses lightly edited wording. The original wording is in the appendix of the published paper. If you want a different set to print, our 40 love questions for couples are an original Keepsake collection, not a copy of this exercise.
How to do it
The paper gives participants short written instructions. In plain terms:
- Sit together without distractions. Allow about 45 minutes, or 15 minutes for each set.
- One of you reads the first question aloud and answers it. Then the other answers the same question.
- Swap who reads aloud, and so who answers first, with each new question.
- Go in order. The questions become more personal as you go, within each set and from one set to the next.
- When the time for a set is up, move on to the next set even if you have not finished. The instructions say it is not important to finish every question; take your time with each one.
A few questions are tasks rather than questions. Question 25, for example, asks you each to make three true “we” statements. Do the task in the same way: the reader goes first.
Outside a study you can change the pace. Agree before you start that either of you can pass on a question or stop, without explaining why. You can use the one-at-a-time view above; it shows one question at a time and adds no timer.
Questions that can be hard
Some later questions touch on death, family and grief. Question 7 asks about a hunch about how you will die, question 18 about your most terrible memory, question 24 about your relationship with your mother, question 30 about the last time you cried, and question 35 about whose death in your family would disturb you most. If either of you has had a recent loss or a difficult family relationship, skip these or agree in advance which ones you will leave out.
What happened when I tried it
I did the 36 questions on my first date with my wife. In hindsight it was probably not the best idea: the depth of these questions, and the trust you need to answer them, should go both ways. But it was a funny way to skip small talk and actually get to know the other person. My wife was still a little shocked by how direct it was, and it has become a story we like to tell.
I asked first, obviously. We sat down at a cozy, not too loud bar and chatted about life in Singapore, then I asked whether she knew about the questions from the study. She had never heard of them, so I asked if she would like to try and share some deeper things about her life. We followed the instructions. Some of it got dark: question 18 asks for your most terrible memory. It takes courage, and feeling safe, to answer that. She shared something very personal, and it made me relate to her much more and feel real compassion. I thanked her, then took my turn.
What surprised me was how my own answers changed as I thought harder. Things I had forgotten came back, and I often found myself smiling as I went back to them.
We didn’t do the four minutes of eye contact; that felt like too much for a first date. We stopped somewhere in the middle and finished on a second date a few days later.
It can feel like too much for someone you have just met, but I think it is worth the risk if you both agree to it. Try it with relatives and friends too. Many of the questions adapt easily, and you might learn something new about people you think you already know. When I later put together the Keepsake question library, the 36 questions were one of the research-based sets I learned from.
What the study did and did not show
The participants were students in a large psychology class, paired with someone in the class they did not know. Some pairs were a man and a woman and some were two women. Some pairs did the 36 tasks; a comparison group spent the same time on small-talk tasks with little personal disclosure.
Afterward, each person rated how close they felt to their partner, using a scale of overlapping circles called the Inclusion of Other in the Self scale and a short closeness index. Pairs who did the 36 tasks reported more closeness than the small-talk pairs. In the same paper, matching partners in advance for similar attitudes, or telling them they had been matched, made no measurable difference; the tasks themselves did.
That supports a limited claim: a structured, gradually deeper conversation can make two people feel closer in the short term. It does not show that the questions create romantic love, repair a relationship or have the same effect within a family.
Where the four minutes of eye contact come from
The four minutes of eye contact are not in the 1997 study. They come from Mandy Len Catron’s January 2015 Modern Love essay in The New York Times, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.” She tried the questions with an acquaintance and then they spent four minutes looking into each other’s eyes. Her essay is why most people have heard of the questions. It is a personal account, not evidence that the exercise will do the same for another pair.
The idea of mutual gaze has its own research. In 1989, Joan Kellerman and colleagues ran two studies with unacquainted students, a man and a woman each time. In the first, pairs who looked into each other’s eyes for two minutes reported more affection than pairs who looked at each other’s hands or counted eye blinks. In the second, mutual gaze raised passionate love mainly for people who rely on cues from their own behavior to read their feelings. Both were short laboratory tasks with strangers, not studies of lasting love. See the sources for both.
You do not need to add eye contact. If you both want to try it, agree that looking away or stopping is fine.
A family adaptation: ask about a moment
These are Keepsake suggestions for a conversation with a relative. They have not been tested as a version of Aron’s procedure.
- Instead of asking for a person’s greatest accomplishment, ask about something they worked hard to learn. Follow up with who helped them.
- Instead of asking for their most painful memory, let them choose a difficult period they want to discuss, or skip the topic entirely.
- When talking about family affection, ask what care looked like in their childhood home: a meal, a lift to work, a letter, or something else.
For a longer interview, use our guide to interviewing a relative.
After the conversation
Ask what your partner would like to keep private. If you both want a record, choose one answer and write down the details together: who was there, where it happened, and what each of you remembers. There is no need to turn every answer into a story or finish the remaining questions that night.
Where to go next
- For questions written for a couple’s shared history, use Questions of Love: 40 love questions.
- For a partner you already know well, try deep questions to ask your partner.
- For someone you have just met, start with first date questions.
- For an ordinary evening at home, try date night questions.
- For a related idea from couples research, read about Gottman love maps and what the research says about love languages.
Questions about the exercise
Do the 36 questions make people fall in love?
The 1997 study measured how close strangers felt after about 45 minutes. It did not test whether the exercise makes people fall in love or changes a relationship over time. Catron’s essay describes one couple who did fall in love; that is one personal story.
What happens when you stare into someone’s eyes for four minutes?
The four minutes come from Mandy Len Catron’s 2015 essay: after the questions, she and her companion looked into each other’s eyes for four minutes, and the essay is her account of that evening. The research is narrower. Kellerman and colleagues’ 1989 studies used two minutes of mutual gaze between strangers. Pairs who gazed reported more affection right afterward, and the gaze raised passionate love mainly for people who rely on cues from their own behavior.
How long does the exercise take?
About 45 minutes in the study: 15 minutes for each set. At home there is no need to keep time, and you can stop whenever either of you wants to.
Do we both answer each question?
In the study, both people answered each question they reached, taking turns to go first. Pairs moved on when the time for a set ran out, even if questions were left. You can also agree that either of you may pass.
Can I use the questions with a parent or friend?
You can choose questions that suit your relationship, but an adapted conversation is not the procedure tested in the study. Skip questions that feel intrusive and ask permission before recording.