In the first few months you’re still learning what the other person wants, how quickly they like things to move and what they need when life gets hard. The questions below start with everyday topics, then move to what each of you is looking for, how you like to be treated and the past you bring with you. Use a few at a time, over weeks rather than one evening.
Why ask early
- Intentions. Are you both looking for the same kind of relationship? It’s easier to ask now than after months of guessing.
- Pace and contact. How much time together, time apart and texting feels right to each of you?
- Deal-breakers. If something would end it for either of you, better to find out before your lives are tangled together.
Answers in the first months won’t tell you how the relationship will turn out. They do make it easier to talk about expectations before either of you is relying on an assumption.
Pace the harder questions
The questions about past relationships and family can wait. Ask whether a topic is welcome before you go into it, and share something of your own first. Being together doesn’t entitle either of you to an account of the other’s past, and “not yet” is a fair answer.
If you want lighter questions first, try first date questions or flirty questions. Once you’re settled as a couple, questions to ask your partner cover a longer shared life.