Start with how she’s doing, then pick the group that fits your marriage now: the first years, the busy stretch of jobs, children and parents who need more help, or a long marriage with retirement and grandchildren in view. Skip the groups that don’t describe your life. If a question lands, stay with it rather than moving down the list.
Ask what’s changed, whatever stage you’re at
It’s easy to answer for each other, after one year or thirty. Ask what she wants differently now, in her work, friendships, time alone or the way you spend a weekday. Name something that has changed for you too.
Make space for a personal ambition
Ask what she’d like time for, whether that’s a project squeezed between work and school runs or something she set aside years ago. The answer might be modest or unfinished. Discuss what practical support would help, and avoid making a decision on her behalf.
Look at a photograph together
Choose a photograph from an earlier part of your marriage. Ask what was happening outside the frame: the job, the house, the plans you hadn’t made yet. A familiar photograph can hold a story you’ve never heard from her side. If she wants to keep it, write the date and a line of her answer on the back or in a note.
Take health and care one question at a time
The questions about aging parents and your own health can feel heavy, so choose one, and pick a calm day rather than the week of an appointment. Ask what she would want before saying what you’d want. For the formal side, such as advance directives or powers of attorney, a doctor or lawyer can explain how it works where you live.