This page is for families. If your mother has died, or your children’s grandmother, you may want to give something to your other parent, a brother or sister, the grandchildren or yourself. Good memorial gifts within a family are usually small, made from things she actually had or did, and given when the person is ready.
If you’re a friend or colleague of someone whose parent died, the page on memorial gifts for loss of a father covers what to give from outside the family. The ideas there work for a mother too.
Ideas by who you’re giving to
| Giving to | Ideas | Keep in mind |
|---|---|---|
| Your surviving parent or her partner | A framed photo of the two of them, a donation in her name to a cause they shared, help with the first holiday | They may want her things left as they are for a while. Ask before moving anything. |
| A brother or sister | Copies of her photos or letters, a piece of her jewelry or a small object you both remember, a shared visit to a place she loved | Siblings can remember very different mothers. Their memories may not match yours. |
| Her grandchildren | A small book of photos with captions, a recording of her voice if one exists, something she made or used | Explain who’s in each photo. Younger children may not recognize faces or places. |
| Yourself | A memorial ring or pendant, her handwriting engraved on something, a tree or plant | You don’t need anyone’s permission to keep something for yourself. |
| Her friends | A photo of her with them, an invitation to a small gathering, a donation to something she supported with them | Her friends knew parts of her life the family may not. |
Memorial gift ideas that work in a family
- Her handwriting. Scan a card, a note or a list she wrote. Some jewelers and engravers can copy handwriting onto a pendant, a bracelet or a cutting board. Keep the original.
- A tree, rose bush or garden bed. Plant it where the family will see it. If nobody has a garden, ask a park, cemetery or nature charity whether they offer memorial planting.
- A donation in her name. Choose a charity she gave to, or one connected to her work, her faith or her illness.
- Her own things, shared. Divide scarves, books, mugs or tools so each person has one. A quilt or cushion made from her clothes is another option, if the family agrees first.
- A framed photo from a part of her life you didn’t see. Her work, her travels, her friends, the years before children. Ask the people who were there what they remember.
- A recipe card, if cooking was part of her life. Copy it in her handwriting, stains and all, and keep the original safe. Note who remembers making it with her.
- A recording. If you have an old voicemail or video, save a copy for each person who wants one. Ask first. Hearing her voice may be welcome or hard.
Don’t assume motherhood or cooking was the center of her life. Start from what she actually did and cared about.
The first Mother’s Day, and other dates
The first Mother’s Day after her death can be hard for the whole family. Some ideas:
- Visit her grave, a place she loved or her favorite restaurant together.
- Make her recipe, play her music or watch something she liked.
- Send your siblings or your other parent a short message that morning.
- Give the grandchildren a photo of her with them.
Her birthday, the anniversary of her death and the first holidays are worth planning for too. Someone may want a small ritual; someone else may want the day to pass quietly. Ask, and accept either answer.
When the relationship was complicated
Families don’t all grieve the same mother. One sibling may have been close to her, another estranged. Someone may be grieving a relationship they never had.
- Don’t send everyone the same tribute and expect the same reaction.
- Let each person choose what they keep, or nothing.
- A gift for someone who had a hard relationship with her can be about them, not her: a meal, a day out, an afternoon of help with her house.
- Leave room for mixed memories in any shared project. You don’t have to make her a saint.
If you’re too overwhelmed for a project
You don’t need to make anything. A few practical choices:
- Give one photo, in an envelope, with a line on the back.
- Ask siblings to each write one memory on a card and put them in a box.
- Take on one job your other parent dreads, such as her mail, her phone account or thank-you notes.
A note can be short:
I found this photo of Mom at the beach in 1988. I thought you should have it. No need to reply.
For bigger projects, the memory book guide explains how to put photos and stories together. The memorial gift ideas guide covers recordings, letters and other formats.